6 Examples of when Bad Films happen to Good Actors

By Alex Beighton

Every once in a while, a script will get given to an actor by some bright eyed, bushy tailed young 

writer promising the actor that this film is “hilarious”, “dramatic”, “Oscar-worthy” and the actor will 

say, “yes I will do it”, shake their hand, sign up to the project and create a film. These six films are 

what I argue to be times where, I feel, the actor should have exercised their right to say “No.”

6. Steve Martin in The Pink Panther (2006) 

Steve Martin’s accent alone is enough to give him credit to be on this list, I usually find Steve

Martin’s comedy very silly but ultimately very funny however this film was just tragic. I felt as if each 

joke, gag and awful example of slapstick and farcical comedy was thrown directly at me yet most 

of them failed to land or at least make any impact at all. The film was not really a shade of hot pink 

but more a pale shade of green to symbolise the bland nature of the script and/or the lack of any 

substance or humour within the film. I find remakes often disappoint me and this film epitomises my 

reasons why. I could make many cat puns within this article however I feel that it would make me a 

hypocrite which would be a CAT-astrophe (I apologise, I couldn't help myself).

Peter Sellers. Grave. Spinning.

5. Sandra Bullock in All About Steve

Being able to win an Academy Award for Best Actress and a Razzie Award for Worst 

Actress in the same year is pretty damn impressive and an achievement that Bullock must hold close to her heart. The film is awkward as most of the jokes fall as flat as Sandra Bullock’s awful blonde wig. Oh, that’s not a wig? Oh dear. The jokes might have landed better if they weren’t delivered by a shrill Harpy and if they had been completely rewritten by script writers that understood comedy. That might have helped. Never a huge fan of romantic comedies, I did not exactly have high expectations from this masterpiece upon first sitting down to watch it, however I felt for Bullock’s sake I would endure it but watching Bullock prance around the screen playing the “Bunny Boiler” archetype on steroids for an hour and forty minutes just wasn't worth it. 

Please hurry up and fly to space with George Clooney.

4. Emma Thompson in Junior

Whilst compiling this list my mother suggested this film to me and upon her first brief explanation 

of the plot line, I didn’t believe the film existed and she was taking the mick. And after sitting down 

and enduring the film, I wish she had been joking. It’s goofy and it’s silly but ultimately it is (forgive 

the pun) childish. But then again, what did I expect from the entire plot line deriving around Arnold 

Schwarzenegger being pregnant? However I did expect more from Emma Thompson, who is a 

renowned Shakespearean actress as well as an embarrassingly clumsy scientist who has a preference for men with a creature growing inside them. I expected nothing in terms of comedic content and I received nothing back however amusing the thought of the Terminator in maternity pants complaining about breast tenderness is. 

Look, it's a hasta la vista baby.

3. Robert De Niro in New Years Eve 

No matter whether you're the ultimate romantic comedy follower or a mere empty shell of a human 

being, Love Actually will always warm even the coldest of hearts. True it may not be viewed as a 

masterpiece by everyone, but there is something naturally endearing in each little story that Richard 

Curtis stitched together. However I found New Year’s Eve a dreadful (almost) remake of the 

film, that failed to achieve the same message and did so miserably. I find the film shallow, twee 

and most of all, extremely dull. Besides the film lacking in any real depth, I found it hard to feel any 

real emotion for any of the vapid and empty characters that plagued my screen for two hours. You 

cannot develop a real hatred for the film because of its bland nature, it would be like getting angry 

about porridge or plain toast however what I can be furious about is why the cast agreed to bring 

it to life. I mean, Robert De Niro, how could you? Well , after Meet The Fockers his appearance in 

this film didn't exactly surprise me. 

I beg of you Bobby, PLEASE go back to your old job as a taxi driver/boxer/gangster/cult leader.

2. Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill 

Oh Adam Sandler, oh dear Mr Sandler. I know I shouldn’t really be this surprised by an awful Adam 

Sandler film (Just Go With It, Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2, Click, *the list continues*) but after 

Punch Drunk Love I thought I should give him SOME credit for having some taste, as small as it 

may seem. However it has got to the point where I genuinely think he cannot help himself anymore, 

that he has developed some deadly disease that means he physically CANNOT say no to a script. I 

mean, how else would you approve a script where the entire punch line is you in drag pretending to 

be your own sister, I mean come on. But to win EVERY SINGLE Razzie that year, it is oddly impressive. 

Judging from that kid's face, it's as if the film knew how bad it was.

1. The entire cast of Movie 43

The legendary reviewer Mark Kermode has a theory that the director(s) of Movie 43 have some 

kind of “dirt” or “secret information” on each one of these actors because that is the only way that 

any of these actors would have agreed to this script and to be honest, at first, I thought Kermode 

was being slightly over dramatic. How wrong I was. I watched the film with my dear friend Dom and 

whilst the credits began to role and the film came to a close, I could not physically express to him in 

words of how awful I thought the film was so in the end I resorted to making hand gestures at him 

and making inhuman noises hoping that my appalled nature would translate and my disgust would 

be evident. After watching a cartoon cat graphically masturbate with a hair brush it kind of makes 

you wonder what the message of the film is or what it is trying to achieve because if it’s “make 

a smart and hilarious comedy” than it has failed miserably. However if its goal is “let’s make Alex 

question everything she knows about the film industry and bleach her eyeballs simultaneously” 

than it’s done a damn good job. The film left me thinking that after this monstrosity was released 

that there there are several casting agents out there, wandering around helplessly, now jobless, wiping their faeces on someone’s windscreen (oh yes, that is the genuine punch line for one of the sketches, I wish I was lying). When you think Johnny Knoxville is too classy for this script that is when you know how truly dreadful it is, I feel like a teacher telling off a class of naughty pupils when reviewing this film but really? I will be having words with your parents, Academy Award winners should not get involved with this kind of script. I expected better from all of you, especially you Kate Winslet. 

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

What did you think of this list? Do you agree or disagree with any of my picks? Leave a comment or tweet me your opinion @girls0nfilm.

Quote of the Week Review: Volver (2006)

By Thomas Broome-Jones

"It smells of... farts, my mother's farts"

Volver is certainly a film that was able to hold my interest, but I was never quite in love with it. I'm a huge fan of world cinema films, I always find it refreshing to see a fresh approach to filmmaking that Hollywood and the UK just doesn't have, not to mention the use of subtitles forces me to be more actively engaged with the plot. Pedro Almodovar is a revered director of world cinema and he has earned that status through his challenging and cynical takes on Spanish identity. Volver is no exception to this.

If there's one thing to highlight in this film, it's Penelope Cruz. It always surprises me when I remember that she has the unique advantage of being a legitimate bankable Hollywood star but also someone who can appear in smaller productions in her mother tongue and no one will bat and eye. In fact, it's these very films for which she receives praise, Volver, for example, earned her Oscar, BAFTA, Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild

Penelope Cruz ultimately steals the show.

Award nominations for Best Actress, and rightly so. Raimunda is clearly a woman who loves her family dearly and will do anything for them, even if it involves getting into serious trouble, this trouble is what sets the plot in motion. Her performance is very human and relatable but with the kind of charisma and wit that Cruz brings to every role she plays. The praise she received for this role is perfectly understandable and it definitely demonstrates that she is a highly talented performer.

Unfortunately, Cruz seems to be the only thing that keeps this film afloat for me. Much like Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood and also in Gangs of New York, I have no other reason to enjoy this film other than the talent of the lead. The story seems to lack focus, as one arc progresses, another will begin without the former arc resolving itself naturally. Instead the resolution just seems somewhat forced, almost as if to make room for other subplots. The first key event in the film was strong enough to make the whole thing about, instead it's ignored as the supporting cast have their own stories which all inexplicably link together. The family dynamic between Raimunda and her loved ones is genuine though, I felt like these characters really had known each other their whole lives and that there really was affection there. That is most definitely a commendation to the strength of the cast and Almodovar's impeccable casting decisions.

The film plays around with very interesting ideas and I feel like with more development on just one of these ideas the film could have been much tighter. The theme of death is certainly a recurring motif as these characters seem trapped in some form of limbo as they move from one problem to the next. Family values, the consequences of your actions, religion, spirituality and trust all play key parts in the storytelling as well. I just think that this was a little bit too much, I found myself getting somewhat bored around 90 minutes in and after it was over I definitely felt like it could have been shorter.

Not a film that lit my world on fire but I'm glad I watched it as it's such a popular one of world cinema. The acting is stellar and I can see what the film is trying to do, I just don't think it quite hits the nail on the head. Perhaps it could have been split into some kind of trilogy, each with the same style and cast but different characters and a different theme. This is quite a common practice and I'd welcome it but as Volver is, I don't see it as a masterpiece, just an okay drama with a few thrills but not taking full advantage of its talent and ambition.

Thomas Broome-Jones is on Twitter, you can follow him @TBroomey.

Quote of the Week Review: Brokeback Mountain (2005)

By Chloe Burrell

"I wish I knew how to quit you"

Starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, Ang Lee’s highly celebrated film, Brokeback Mountain, is one of those films that, in my humble opinion, everyone should watch. Whilst it is perfect popcorn film for those with a soft-spot for a heart-wrenching love story, it's controversial storyline cannot fail to intrigue the more level-headed among us. Firmly considered a great of the directing world, Ang Lee credits himself as the mastermind of bringing Hulk, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the true spectacle, Life of Pi to the big screen.

No one can doubt the beauty or success of this film as after its release it went on to win a plethora of awards, including four Golden Globes. Awarded too with eight Academy Awards nominations and three wins in one sitting, it is safe to say Lee did Annie Proulx’s story justice.

Donnie Darko and The Joker? It could work.

‘Brokeback’ is a tale of heartache for two cowboys, who find themselves completely and undeniably in love. Dubbed ''The Gay Cowboy Movie' until everyone saw it.' This love is one that, though many have tried, is just too complicated to define. Romance, companionship or some strange kind of brotherhood - nothing quite seems to fit the bill, nevertheless leaving the audience absolutely sure of, and devastated by, their unbreakable bond.

It’s not hard to say that this film is a risk-taker. With choices that could turn it’s audience a little sour (or sleepy), its popularity comes as an even greater success. Its controversial subject matter and lengthy empty silences could have sent us running for a more conventional drama, but instead they seem to draws us even further in. The music we do hear is a common and welcoming motif throughout the film - a composition that seems to completely embody the films atmosphere and tone - from loneliness, to love, to mourning. We are left hanging on to every word, and reading every emotion as we attempt to justify their relationship, and in spite of ourselves, we end up rooting for them, even as it tears their families apart.

This may be thanks to the incredible performances of the leading men - whilst the film asks for a ridiculous amount of courage, skill and detail from beginning to end, neither fail to deliver. Ledger’s portrayal of the closed-off character is enviable as he exposes every emotion possible down to a ‘T’ without ever truly dropping the essence of a cold exterior. And whilst Gyllenhaal’s infectious smile is always heart-warming, when it comes to portraying such a roller-coaster of emotions, he hits the bar just as hard. It’s great acting that neither spares emotion nor over exaggerates what the audience is looking for. 

Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana's script only supports these performances, and is sensitive and honest. Although it’s not necessarily a true work of art, in a film where silences seem to speak louder than words it's simplicity and lack of insightful metaphors only accentuates the characters' raw emotions and allows actions to talk for themselves.

A moving, intriguing and beautifully-shot film, Brokeback Mountain truly breaks down the conventions of a classic western, and goes running in the opposite direction. It’s thoroughly enjoyable and similarly thought-provoking, and a film that I truly recommend to everyone. And no, you aren’t too manly to watch it.

Gravity Review

By Thomas Broome-Jones

I've finally watched it, the film that was the focus point of my first article on this blog. I wanted to watch it on its opening weekend but I wasn't able to get round to seeing Alfonso Cuarón's genre re-inventing sci-fi masterpiece Gravity until last night. The rest of the team and myself decided to go and see the film together and only one word was leaving our mouths when we got out of the cinema, "How?".

This still is taken from the very first shot of the film...which is 17 minutes long.

That's the question I kept asking myself, how did they pull this off? Personally, 3D has always been a gimmick to me, they charge you a couple of extra quid and you have to wear stupid looking glasses that give you a 30% colour reduction of the screen and hardly any of the film actually utilizes the 3D. I've seen films with double the budget of Gravity commit this sin and yet here is a film that has convinced me 3D has a place in cinema. Gravity's inspired use of 3D rarely relies on things "jumping out of the screen as if you could actually touch them", instead the 3D is essential to how the narrative plays out. The dark vastness of space engulfs you and you feel like you're right up there with the characters orbiting Earth.

This total immersion allows for incredibly unique shots and angles that break almost every technical rule of filmmaking. Cuarón first introduced mainstream audiences to his love affair with long-lasting shots with his 2006 sci-fi masterpiece Children of Men. Thankfully, this sci-fi masterpiece has been a huge success at the box office, something which Children of Men definitely deserved but failed to achieve. Normally in a film, when the camera is constantly spinning around and inverting the image, it should make you feel disorientated and uneasy. Thanks to the ingenious employment of 3D, all of this chaos seems natural and relaxing. 

Aside from technical mastery, of which there is plenty (this is easily one of the greatest visual experiences I've ever seen), Sandra Bullock, give that woman an Oscar. Anyone who questioned her acting abilities beforehand must surely now be silenced. The length of the shots forced her to remember long lists of specific movements and to sustain the emotional weight of each scene. Clooney presents his usual irresistible Hollywood charm and demonstrates why he is one of the most charismatic actors out there, but Bullock steals the show hands down. She totally sold it to me that she was an astronaut in a life-threatening situation and captured the emotional intensity of being trapped in outer space. This is a film that without strong performances would have been impossible to emotionally invest in and I honestly can't picture any other actress in this role.

So, what more can be said about Gravity without delving into Spoilerville (population: horrible people)? The visuals alone are stunning and have redefined the sci-fi genre. From now on there is NO excuse for poor 3D visuals in blockbuster films. Gravity is now the standard for how 3D should be used in my mind. The cinematography, direction, sound editing, sound mixing, 3D and acting all join together to create what is for me the best film of the decade so far. Don't be put off by the extra money you'll have to splash out for 3D, if you are able to find a 2D screening of it, don't bother, you'll be doing yourself a disservice. This is most definitely a cinema film, an experience. If you can afford it (which I couldn't), the IMAX is obviously the best option, but a normal screen will do. Also, sit at the back, trust me on that one. In all honesty, I don't see a film coming along for quite a while that will top Gravity, and I'm now even more confident that it could become the first ever sci-fi film to win Best Picture.

Gravity is in cinemas now, it has a 12A certificate.

Thomas Broome-Jones is on Twitter, you can follow him @TBroomey.

Quote of the Week Review: Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

By Sean McDonnell 

SHUT UP! SHUT THE F*** UP! Shut up; will you SHUT UP SHUT UP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT UP... SHUT UP!

Paul Thomas Anderson has been called one of the greatest and most unique filmmakers of his generation, especially after the releases of highly the acclaimed Boogie Nights and Magnolia. Anderson stated after Magnolia’s release that he’d like to work with Adam Sandler in a film lasting only 90 minutes. Sandler is not exactly well-loved by critics (especially by the late Roger Ebert) but boy oh boy! Both Sandler and Anderson have created a beautifully crafted piece of cinema portraying the realistic nature of finding love. 

Sandler can even make shopping ridiculous.

Sandler portrays in the narrative Barry, a lonely small time business man who is constantly emotionally abused by his seven over-bearing sisters. Because of this, he goes through periods of enormous rage and has problems interacting with others. However, things appear more positive when Lena (Emily Watson) is introduced in his life. From there, Barry tries to find ultimate happiness through Lena and wants to change his life around for the better.

PTA’s script is fantastically written portraying the very unique relationship between Barry and Lena. What I think makes this film so much more special is how it deliberately avoids typical conventions of rom-coms and instead implies a very believable relationship because of the awkwardness of the developing romance. Besides that, the symbolism throughout the film is incredible and very clever such as colour connoting Barry’s psychological battle. Blue is frequently seen as the suit Barry wears, his workplace and his home. Red is used to serve as the colour to Barry’s ultimate happiness such as Lena wearing red on their first date. White is used to contrast red since Barry travels and works in white environments which are isolated such as his office. 

The cinematography by Robert Elswit is outstanding. The use of lengthy long shots and close ups reinforce Barry’s loneliness and isolation to the outside world. My favourite shot from the film has to be the opening, I was amazed with how it instantly reflected on Barry’s emotional and physical state since he is so far away. Not only that, symbolism is used once again with Barry’s phone representing his connection to the outside world. The use of lens flares is also very effective (unlike J.J. Abrams’ overuse of it in Star Trek!) because it presents the genuine emotions Barry and Lena feel.

The score by Jon Brion is composed stunningly, reflecting the relationship with frequent use of strings, accordions and the classic harmonium! What makes it distinct is that it sounds very much like what you would expect from a rom-com score: lovely melody, no dissonance, perfect harmony, major key. These conventions all manage to fit in to this very authentic connection between Barry and Lena.

Besides all these unique features of cinema, it is also one of the funniest films I’ve ever seen. It’s definitely up there with Kevin Smith’s Clerks and Adam McKay’s Anchorman despite not having any hyperbolic uses of comedy. Instead, it feels like a very true representation of isolation whilst having realistic humour. The funniest scenes had to be between Sandler and Philip Seymour Hoffman who also portrays a business man with a massive temper who delivers in my mind the best ‘shut up’ line ever and the notorious ‘bathroom’ scene!

A joyful, dramatic and hilarious film. Punch-Drunk Love proves Sandler doesn’t always need to play the slapstick, over-the-top, goof-ball and PTA can write and direct a very interesting take on the comedy genre. This is a film with real heart and soul. Highly recommended!

Sean McDonnell is on Twitter, you can follow him @seanmcdonnell_. 

Sean also has his own blog, which you can find here.

6 Moments that Terrified Me

By Alex Beighton

There have been a lot of moments in films that have terrified, petrified and horrified me, however, these six moments hold a special place in my heart and in my film history for being my top six scariest moments. Enjoy and proceed with caution.

*WARNING, THIS LIST IS LITTERED WITH SPOILERS, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM, SKIP IT*

*CONTAINS CONTENT OF A VIOLENT/SEXUAL/THREATENING NATURE, IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THESE THINGS, DO NOT PROCEED*

6. Clown in the Showers - It (1990)

Shower/bath scenes in films are already often used as a source for dramatic and usually unlikely invasions of privacy to happen (Pyscho, The Big Lebowski, American History X). However the scene that epitomizes and is the route source for the reason that I refuse to look down the bathtub hole just in case is the scene in It where Pennywise decides to make a terrifying and haunting appearance. I can’t say I’ve ever had a time where I’ve wanted someone to walk in on me in the shower however in my list of the worst people or “things” to walk in would definitely be Pennywise in the reigning number one spot. I may be wrong but I can’t imagine a nightmarish homicidal clown with bad dental hygiene would be the best shower companion.  

5. I like an older woman - The Shining (1980)

When people are told “imagine a beautiful woman leaving the bath tub naked” most people don’t associate that image with sheer horror and disgust. However after my (numerous) viewings of Kubrick’s The Shining, safe to say, I am scarred (and not just by Jack Nicholson’s facial expressions of sheer and creepy delight in the first 30 seconds, although that in its own right is traumatic enough). I can’t say I’ve ever been lucky enough to be midway through kissing someone, only to find out that their skin is rotting and that they’re a ghost but hey, we can all dream. 

  

4. Chestburster - Alien (1979)

FUN FACT: Ridley Scott never actually told any of the actors other than Kane (John Hurt) what was to happen in that scene so the look of shock and horror as the Alien bursts through his chest are completely genuine and safe to say, the actors and I have one thing in common which was I never saw that coming. When having chest pains during dinner, you don’t often anticipate an alien baby creature bursting through your ribcage and causing havoc to the other passengers of the flight crew but there’s a first for everything as Sigourney Weaver soon found out and then proceeded to find out for three more films. It’s got to the point where if anyone around me starts complaining of chest ache, my heart skips a beat because I refuse to deal with that alien, it’s the exoskeleton that freaks me out. 

3. Sloth - Se7en (1995) 

I am a 17 year old, therefore I am often prone to sleeping in, however I personally think Kevin Spacey takes it a tad too far with this unfortunate victim in this scene. In my opinion, this scene is one of the most terrifying jump scares in my eyes, regardless of the fact not much actually happens, other than the fact that a man has been strapped to a bed for so long that he doesn’t even look human anymore but you know, whatever. I suppose it does give a whole new meaning to “whisper sweet nothings into my ear whilst we’re in bed” but personally, I think I prefer this version, is that weird?

 

2. We're gonna get you! - The Evil Dead/Evil Dead (1981/2013)

Teenage girls can often be terrifying creatures in their own right however ones that have been possessed by evil spirits are arguably more terrifying than the Regina Georges of the world, but that’s debatable. I’m not usually a fan of remakes however I felt it was necessary to include both versions seeing as both versions sent chills down my spine. I couldn’t decide between the white eyes or the hands crawling out from under the trap door. I think the one thing that we can all agree on however is that The Evil Dead would be the perfect advert for a cozy outdoor cabin retreat with your buddies. 

1. Shark Attack - Jaws (1975) 

As the daughter of a scuba diving instructor who has been shoved in the deep water with a tank strapped to her back for as long as she can remember, this scene particularly hits close to home in ones that terrify me. I’ve never been afraid of sharks however I am petrified of giant great white sharks with a thirst for blood and an innate ability to know exactly where to attack a boat to cause the most damage. When Jaws was first shown at the cinema, people literally ran out of the cinema in fear and although it may not have that impact now because of the generation of horrors and thrillers we’ve subsequently been raised on, I will always count Jaws to be one of my greatest fears. Also, no one allow Spielberg to be on a beach, with that kind of direction given to the shark it’s better to be safe than sorry. 

What did you think of this list? Do you agree or disagree with any of my picks? Leave a comment or tweet me your opinion @girls0nfilm.    

Quote of the Week Review: Goodfellas (1990)

By Ben Hanna

"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster"

Goodfellas, directed in 1990 by Martin Scorsese is a classic mobster movie containing blood, scores, hits and betrayals. A real in depth look into the highs and lows of being a true mobster during the 50s and 80s.

“I always wanted to be a gangster”, a dream I’d like to think we all share, who wouldn’t want to be a gangster? All the money you could want, having the freedom to do anything but more importantly, having goons run around and do your errands. Martin Scorsese takes the audience on a journey to show us the high life of a gangster. However, not every aspect of life as a mobster was wonderful. We’re also taken into the nitty gritty side of the gangster life, the side that could get you ‘whacked’ if you mention it.

"You're a funny guy": Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta exchange pleasantries.

Martin Scorsese’s use of cinematography is just fantastic, each shot brings a sense of belonging and helps to draw the audience with shots that have a real effect on us as we watch. The way Martin positions the audience throughout the film encourages us to feel sympathy for the main characters. Despite the crimes and vicious nature of a mobster, we feel like crime is okay. Martin Scorsese tells the story by using a narrator which is a nice touch that we don’t see very often. I feel like it really helps to tell the story and keeps the audience engaged with the narrative, this happens from beginning to end.

A big thing for me during Goodfellas is the sound, the classy music and feel good locations help me feel a part of the narrative. There has always been something alluring about the lifestyle of a mobster, getting into exclusive clubs and having connections. My favourite scene is when we’re taken into the back of the nightclub and through the kitchen. It’s taken in one shot that, surprisingly, doesn’t feel like a drag. It makes me feel like Ray Liotta is taking me to dinner rather than Lorraine Bracco. I like that feeling.

The film as a whole was incredible, I was engaged from beginning to end and didn’t manage to stumble upon a dull moment. All of the characters were relatable and I found each of them interesting. For me, this film is definitely one to watch from Martin Scorsese.