Every once in a while, a script will get given to an actor by some bright eyed, bushy tailed young
writer promising the actor that this film is “hilarious”, “dramatic”, “Oscar-worthy” and the actor will
say, “yes I will do it”, shake their hand, sign up to the project and create a film. These six films are
what I argue to be times where, I feel, the actor should have exercised their right to say “No.”
6. Steve Martin in The Pink Panther (2006)
Steve Martin’s accent alone is enough to give him credit to be on this list, I usually find Steve
Martin’s comedy very silly but ultimately very funny however this film was just tragic. I felt as if each
joke, gag and awful example of slapstick and farcical comedy was thrown directly at me yet most
of them failed to land or at least make any impact at all. The film was not really a shade of hot pink
but more a pale shade of green to symbolise the bland nature of the script and/or the lack of any
substance or humour within the film. I find remakes often disappoint me and this film epitomises my
reasons why. I could make many cat puns within this article however I feel that it would make me a
hypocrite which would be a CAT-astrophe (I apologise, I couldn't help myself).
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| Peter Sellers. Grave. Spinning. |
5. Sandra Bullock in All About Steve
Being able to win an Academy Award for Best Actress and a Razzie Award for Worst
Actress in the same year is pretty damn impressive and an achievement that Bullock must hold close to her heart. The film is awkward as most of the jokes fall as flat as Sandra Bullock’s awful blonde wig. Oh, that’s not a wig? Oh dear. The jokes might have landed better if they weren’t delivered by a shrill Harpy and if they had been completely rewritten by script writers that understood comedy. That might have helped. Never a huge fan of romantic comedies, I did not exactly have high expectations from this masterpiece upon first sitting down to watch it, however I felt for Bullock’s sake I would endure it but watching Bullock prance around the screen playing the “Bunny Boiler” archetype on steroids for an hour and forty minutes just wasn't worth it.
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| Please hurry up and fly to space with George Clooney. |
4. Emma Thompson in Junior
Whilst compiling this list my mother suggested this film to me and upon her first brief explanation
of the plot line, I didn’t believe the film existed and she was taking the mick. And after sitting down
and enduring the film, I wish she had been joking. It’s goofy and it’s silly but ultimately it is (forgive
the pun) childish. But then again, what did I expect from the entire plot line deriving around Arnold
Schwarzenegger being pregnant? However I did expect more from Emma Thompson, who is a
renowned Shakespearean actress as well as an embarrassingly clumsy scientist who has a preference for men with a creature growing inside them. I expected nothing in terms of comedic content and I received nothing back however amusing the thought of the Terminator in maternity pants complaining about breast tenderness is.
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| Look, it's a hasta la vista baby. |
3. Robert De Niro in New Years Eve
No matter whether you're the ultimate romantic comedy follower or a mere empty shell of a human
being, Love Actually will always warm even the coldest of hearts. True it may not be viewed as a
masterpiece by everyone, but there is something naturally endearing in each little story that Richard
Curtis stitched together. However I found New Year’s Eve a dreadful (almost) remake of the
film, that failed to achieve the same message and did so miserably. I find the film shallow, twee
and most of all, extremely dull. Besides the film lacking in any real depth, I found it hard to feel any
real emotion for any of the vapid and empty characters that plagued my screen for two hours. You
cannot develop a real hatred for the film because of its bland nature, it would be like getting angry
about porridge or plain toast however what I can be furious about is why the cast agreed to bring
it to life. I mean, Robert De Niro, how could you? Well , after Meet The Fockers his appearance in
this film didn't exactly surprise me.
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| I beg of you Bobby, PLEASE go back to your old job as a taxi driver/boxer/gangster/cult leader. |
2. Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill
Oh Adam Sandler, oh dear Mr Sandler. I know I shouldn’t really be this surprised by an awful Adam
Sandler film (Just Go With It, Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2, Click, *the list continues*) but after
Punch Drunk Love I thought I should give him SOME credit for having some taste, as small as it
may seem. However it has got to the point where I genuinely think he cannot help himself anymore,
that he has developed some deadly disease that means he physically CANNOT say no to a script. I
mean, how else would you approve a script where the entire punch line is you in drag pretending to
be your own sister, I mean come on. But to win EVERY SINGLE Razzie that year, it is oddly impressive.
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| Judging from that kid's face, it's as if the film knew how bad it was. |
1. The entire cast of Movie 43
The legendary reviewer Mark Kermode has a theory that the director(s) of Movie 43 have some
kind of “dirt” or “secret information” on each one of these actors because that is the only way that
any of these actors would have agreed to this script and to be honest, at first, I thought Kermode
was being slightly over dramatic. How wrong I was. I watched the film with my dear friend Dom and
whilst the credits began to role and the film came to a close, I could not physically express to him in
words of how awful I thought the film was so in the end I resorted to making hand gestures at him
and making inhuman noises hoping that my appalled nature would translate and my disgust would
be evident. After watching a cartoon cat graphically masturbate with a hair brush it kind of makes
you wonder what the message of the film is or what it is trying to achieve because if it’s “make
a smart and hilarious comedy” than it has failed miserably. However if its goal is “let’s make Alex
question everything she knows about the film industry and bleach her eyeballs simultaneously”
than it’s done a damn good job. The film left me thinking that after this monstrosity was released
that there there are several casting agents out there, wandering around helplessly, now jobless, wiping their faeces on someone’s windscreen (oh yes, that is the genuine punch line for one of the sketches, I wish I was lying). When you think Johnny Knoxville is too classy for this script that is when you know how truly dreadful it is, I feel like a teacher telling off a class of naughty pupils when reviewing this film but really? I will be having words with your parents, Academy Award winners should not get involved with this kind of script. I expected better from all of you, especially you Kate Winslet.
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| You should all be ashamed of yourselves. |
What did you think of this list? Do you agree or disagree with any of my picks? Leave a comment or tweet me your opinion @girls0nfilm.
